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This is the insanity, complexity, of complex trauma: We internally scream for unmet needs, while destroying any attempt to receive them. We pull up a huge shield and deflect these attempts. Defensive and buoyant. The more we perceive a push towards them the bigger the pushing back is, usually in the most negative ways (hard). We believe we are protecting ourselves in doing so. We await a safety that can never come because it would open up a kind of deep vulnerability that can not exist since everyone and everything is a potential threat. Vulnerability and safety are internally hardwired as far apart as the east is from the west. We push externally against whatever we need most in life because internally there is a “natural” polar repulsion between the two. It’s like placing two alike magnetic poles near each other. The repulsion is dramatic and explosive. This repulsion, this disconnection, is made possible by a subtle divergent wiring that creates a background noise. This background noise is a signaling that some part of us screams to be recognized and seen. This background noise, it longs for safety, and safety requires vulnerability. It is as if they cant simultaneously exist. I think that’s fear based. At some level, we wait for amazon prime to deliver safety on our door step. A package, a gift, with detailed instructions in 13 languages outlining the steps to create vulnerability. Ding dong, knock knock, pull the tape and inside is that gift that will release us and reverse the process, bringing everything together. Utopian white picket fence, “normal”... fear banished. Complex, confusing, AND what we were trained to do. The system we adapted to in order to survive is in reality a self creation, a re-wire, divergent of the natural neural wiring and chemistry we were designed to have since our inward formation, in-utero. In order to adapt to the system, we become the system. We absorb and recreate our caregivers internally. If our caregivers judged us, we judge ourselves. If they dismissed or diminished us, we do the same. If they did not know how to see us, we do not know how to see ourselves. This crates a struggle for us to notice or articulate internal events. We often go into life not knowing how to regulate our bodies (or how to notice basic signals such as hunger, anger, fear, love). And while the divergent wiring proves successfully adaptive, there remains a knowing that this isn’t the way it should be.