Once Afraid Afraid Once
Suddenly, I popped out of the thorny, beautifully deadly, rose bush that I planted and lovingly tended to that was thick around me. This type of bursting forth like that only could have been supernatural. I’m me and I have a PhD in me. That birth type thing that took place, moving me out of hell on Earth and into an internal safety and internal freedom, for sure wasn’t because consistency and leaning into pain is a strength I was born with. One day I was snagged in that bush, pierced, gutted, splayed, shackled and bound in every way AND still alive. Beaten, bewildered, AND still clinging to hope. Looked down upon, oppressed, victimized AND never demolished or discarded. (to paraphrase Paul using the Amanda version of 2 Corinthians 4:8-9) And then the next day I was laying there bloody. The memory of what just happened was so fresh I feared I was surely about to die. My God, again, you saw me there and commanded that I live. AGAIN, just you did years before, you commanded me to live. This is what you said to me again...
“On the day you were born your cord was not cut, you were not cared for. Not washed with water to make you clean, you were not rubbed with salt or delicately wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity. No one around you had compassion enough to care or do any of these things for you. You were thrown away, out into the open field. Since the day you were born you were unwanted and despised. When I passed by you and saw you squirming about in your newborn blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!” You will Live! You will grow. You will be beautiful and you will multiply..........Then I washed you with water; yes, thoroughly I washed away from you the clinging blood and anointed you with oil. I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of leather on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments and I put bracelets on your wrists and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on upon your head.” Ezekiel 16: 8-13 Somehow, this time, I muscled my way into the thick of it determined to reach the other side. To BE FREE. Even though the pain was other worldly. At times exsanguination seemed like mercy and was truly only a drop away, His living water preserved and comforted me. His provision empowered, and encouraged me to push further... and further I got. To the other side.
AND GOD! On the other side, like childbirth, the pain lessened, war transitioned to peace, and the wounds started to heal, and I wasn’t afraid to move. I wasn’t frozen afraid to move due to the fear of that which may cause breathtaking pain. COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY LONG TERM EXPOSURE THERAPY “For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” 1 Cor 1:25 This education. This behavioral awareness and modification, to the world, seemed like absolute foolishness. I can’t tell you how many times I was discouraged instead of encouraged down this THERAPY path because things were promised to get bad, WAY BAD, before they would get better. (Understatement of the world...EVER) Because I would have to “rehash” the past. “What kind of good could you expect that to bring.” However, I hear His voice. I knew that He lifted ME out of the miry pit and established MY steps. My steps are not your steps, friend. I was called to these steps....and I’m sorry that I’m not sorry it wasn’t “the normal” thing to have done. As a result of all that work, my hyper vigilance that would have me terrified, afraid, assessing everyone as a threat and, no joke, sometimes flash me back at a meter breaking anxiety level at least 9 times a day.................IN THE PAST 3 WEEKS THIS HAS HAPPENED ONLY 3 TIMES. Not three times a day. 3 TOTAL times in the past three weeks with a recovery speed of a few mins at most.
Great Scott, this is working! So, At this point, it’s not so much the flashbacks that haunt me anymore. What lingers is living with and trying to understand the coping mechanisms I developed as a child to shut off the parts of my life that hurt. I don’t know what or where they are in my brain. I don’t know how they were developed, and they seem to creep up in the most disruptive ways. Ways that have seemingly nothing to do with the subject matter. Friendships can be confusing and hard. Consistency is hard. Being good to myself is non existent. Loving someone properly.... what does that mean!!? Perfectionism seems to help but is largely debilitating because....... o v e r a n a l y z a t i on.....which leads to anxiety.
Joy has a cap. Successes and spotlights are intimidating.... even when I know I’m good at whatever “it” is. I question myself all the time. I can be over-dramatic and sensitive. I’m always in anticipation of the other shoe to drop. Oh, and if it does, I assume it was only a matter of time until it would have anyway. These feelings always lead back to… is this who I am or this because of what happened to me? Hate that shit