DANG IT!!!

Saddddd. Crying sad. What is happening to meeeeee. Heard a song today and it WRECKED  me. The tears that you can’t stop from falling. Burned my eyes out of my skull. Physically paining me because my emotional pain was cranked up to 11.

Freaking Stone Sour. Wasn’t even 10am and I’ve had enough today-ing for today.

“And while you're outside looking in describing what you see remember what you're staring at is me. Cause I'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, and no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.” 

Wrecked. Just gutted. Wet eyes, face, shirt. Ughhhh. 

I think maybe it’s just occurred to me that he’s really gone. It’ll be until eternity that I will see him. God, it all feels so unfinished. AND I have guilt about feeling all stirred, shaken, and crushed about it. What’s with this guilt. Can I not be whole and crushed at the same time? 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” 2 Cor 4:8-12  

Paul says we can. 

Grief hurts; it even feels wrong. It feels bad, so bad that we want to shy away from it. We avoid it, we don’t talk about it. No one REALLY wants to hear about the gritty dirty parts of death that stick to you. Over half of us are actively grieving someone or some loss right now. You are in the company of fellow-mourners as you move through today. 

I think to grieve is to be human. Jesus only spent 33 years on this planet. He is love, joy, peace, self control, patience, kindness... He was literally walking around as the psychical embodiment of all the fruits of the spirit — YET He grieved.  He cried for Lazarus, He grieved for the hardness of the human heart, crying while praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, and crying out for hours on the cross while He prayed through a psalm. 

Jesus KNEW He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, and He still cried for the death. He grieved while having resurrection power within him. He embodied Joy yet wept. Jesus wept in the Garden for the grief and sorrow of his own death and then, also seeing the joy before him, he despised the shame and endured the pain, conquered Hell, and the resurrection. Grief all mushed up with triumph. 

Grief aids perspective and discernment. What’s important. Seeing Randy. Seeing him as the person. Seeing him as a man. Seeing through his addiction. Seeing the grief and the joy. Seeing what he had overcome not what has overcome him. His body isn’t him. He’s still alive. More alive than me. Jesus realized the work he had begun in Randy. Jesus held him and completed it. There I find hope.  “Looking at him through the glass. Describing what you see. Remember what you’re staring at is me.” 

You learn more at a funeral than at a feast— After all, that’s where we’ll end up. We might discover something from it. Crying is better than laughing. It blotches the face but it scours the heart. Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving. Fools waste their lives in fun and games. Ecclesiastes 7:2-4