“EVEN RAPE”

Immediately FROZEN in place. All thoughts stopped. Breathing pattern changed. Heart rate changed. Eyes fixated. Did I just hear that right? Fear... ANGER.... fear....confusion...fear....ANGER..... seriously did I just hear that right?? He couldn’t have meant... but that’s what he said. Like he took advantage of a girl/s....maybe girls that were too drunk.... Oh my God, am I seriously trying to validate this mans actions. No. No. God, no. But that’s not what he said, he didn’t say he took advantage of girls. He qualified his actions and he spoke it out. He qualified his actions as “EVEN RAPE” ....fear....anger...confusion...I’m not safe here... I’m NOT SAFE! ..... absolutely unreal... this man said The favor of God protected him from the consequences of his actions “EVEN RAPE” I don’t even know where to start with this. I can’t even believe that I was a party to hearing this. This was announced at a support group I was participating in recently. A place that would/should be considered a safe place. An accountability group and place that is a strength building community of believers who encourage and support one another in all aspects of healing and building up of faith. One of these things is not like the other. Last thing I would expect to hear, “EVEN RAPE” Like am I under attack!!? First of all, how dare he. HOW DARE HE! He believes the favor of God protected him from the consequence of rape!!!?!!!! He is proud that he avoided prosecution for rape. He is satisfied that his victim survivor will never face him to tell him what a worthless pig he is. He is secured in feeling safe that he can just kick back and relax while his victim survivor is probably anxious and on guard as she’s been violated in a way that is the ultimate in human betrayal. Like, WHAT PLANET AM I ON!!! This guy has the gall to announce this to a group of people... that he has no idea who they are let alone what they have been through. I mean honestly it’s incredible he didn’t get his jaw smashed in. Second. He touched me! I literally can still feel the warm heaviness of his arm on my right shoulder blade. A thousand showers can never wash away that crawling feeling, like a dead and waking limb. Pins and needles. His filth on my body. Ugh. What am I supposed to do with this. I feel like the weakest person in the room. I’m a vulnerable abused baby girl again. I’m small again. I’m a raped child again. This person isn’t allowed to make me feel like this. I can’t believe people like that exist. What he announced IS NOT OF GOD. Fools make a mock at sin: but among the righteous there is favor” (Proverbs 14:9) This man, this fool...needs to take a seat. God help him. Righteousness, truth, integrity and Justice are at the foundation of my Heavenly Fathers throne and He has not forgotten about this mans victim survivor. “Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His heavenly kingdom” 2 Timothy 4:18 

Ughhhh... seriously I had quite the mental war over this. On one hand I had a grasp of my Christian viewpoint and was trying to think.. this is a child of God...has he asked for forgiveness?... I’m not supposed to have triggers... I am NOT a child anymore... this is not the past... I am strong...I am safe.... on the other hand I have a tight grip on.... ANGER.... FEAR... complete bewilderment ... sadness... this guy is a complete a-hole who needs his face punched in and thrown into a jail cell for eternity. Then, later, much much much later. It occurred to me that it can be both. This mans actions. This mans sin.... not only does it make me insanely angry but this makes GOD ANGRY!! Sexual sin, a sin against God, and against ones own body.....God is angry at the perversion of his goodness. Turning wrong of right - Evil twists and disfigures God’s glory, vandalizing what is most valuable, and profaning what is most holy. Evil poisons and distorts reality, resulting in the destruction of joy for every creature that chooses the perversion over God’s goodness. God’s righteousness demands his anger over such destructive perversion. SO BE ANGRY AMANDA! This is what I hear. Be angry and do not sin. Be angry and let it out. Be angry..... and let it go. Maybe a few months ago the weakness that I felt in that room might have stuck around. It might have crept around. It might have oozed out and filled some new cracks, that it definitely would have made, with something that may have made me feel better in a temporary fashion. It may have brewed and stewed and manifested into some new giant that stomped around in my subconscious and dictated my actions, but it didn’t. Not then. Not today. Not tomorrow. I’m stronger than I was then. I’m stronger than I was yesterday. Today i am the strongest I’ve ever been. Maybe I am still the weakest in the room but thank God I’m me and not you. Cause I’m a beast. I’m a boss. I know my enemy. I’m learning his weapons. I’m learning his schemes and today I win. Yeah, today, I win.