Huh!?!!

What’s with all this “Snag” business...

2017 was/IS one of the hardest, most action packed, crisis packed, years of my adult life! Hands up, hands down, hands all around. New baby that could/should have died, my brother died, I almost died, my son DID die and was was Lazarus-ed back to life (drowning)...ALL this woke up a dormant Volcano of doom-CPTSD. I was praying in the thick of it. I was praying in the thin of it. I just wanted to know why this cup couldn't pass from me! "God, show me!" When I ask this request of God it's a literal request. He showed me. He showed me a movie clip of my life. Me holding this real tangible injury in my arms. He showed me this real, tangible, manifestation of the pain, trauma, abuse, neglect, violence, abandonment, and fear I carried in secret. These things I tried to hide but was always right there under the surface. This thing rooted in shame, guilt, and perceived weakness from the past; in a bundle in my arms. I am carrying this load, this burden, up the hill. Willing my body to push forward, though my legs shook, up the hill. Disregarding the heavy brokenness I was feeling down to the core of my very being, up that dang, steep, hill. 

Until I get to the top. Until in front of the tree I stop. That damned tree. That cursed, beautiful, tree. I stop, drop to my knees, and there I get to put my burden down. At the foot of the cross. There. The final resting place. So long, farewell, and good riddance to the BS once and for all. I know the Word, and hallelujah, He took it all. He took it all so that I don't have to carry it anywhere past that tree. With thanksgiving and joy I leave that tree. Back down the hill. But little did she know.... As I turned to walk away, my shirt sleeve must have snagged on the bundle. My wholeness as I walked away, began to unravel. I couldn't feel it. I didn't see it. But that thing that I put down was STILL connected to me. It wasn't until along my path down the hill I started to fall. When I jerked forward this heavy load that was following me came barreling at free fall speed right towards my head. - BOOM - Imagine my surprise when I realized what hit me, knocking me on my butt, was something I thought I had already gotten rid of. I pick it back up, remove the SNAG and back up I go. OVER AND OVER ANNNNDDDD OVERRRRRRR. I'm tired of the this cycle of defensive snags and I'm ready to be on the offense. Snag or be snagged.